I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
