You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
