Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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