Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
