I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
