Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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