My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
