the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize