the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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