He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
