Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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