Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Randomize
