Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
