using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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