the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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