I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
