I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
