I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
