It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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