my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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