I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
