I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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