If that was your dad, he is hot
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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