Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
