I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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