I wish I could punch you in the face.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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