his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
