No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
