oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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