You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
