you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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