:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
