September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
