We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Can I color on your dick again?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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