My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
