I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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