In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
