you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
