Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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