i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Enjoy the penises
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
