Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
