you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
