My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
