I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
