I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I just saw a hot homeless man
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
