i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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