I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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