They should really pass out barf bags in church
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
