Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
