Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize