i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
