I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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