So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize