Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
