i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
