I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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