well I can't set my house on fire every night
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize