A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
